Dispatch from A Trans Flamboyant Jew, Berlin Germany

 December 4, 2020

If I rustle my bedsheets, I will find at least three roaches with enough thc left to relieve the first layer of pain and anxiety if I awaken in a sweaty panic, with searing pain, and unable to drop into my body which is a nightly experience. And that is only one small example of how I have learned and been taught to constantly adapt through the tumult that is life in 2020. 

Of course it is generational, of course, the goys will never understand, but those with the knowledge and weight of generations of fleeing, persecution, and genocide will be able to empathize at a higher vibration to this struggle, and it is my hope that we create a world to greet each other with only love. 

I, and so many people I know are simultaneously preparing for our worst nightmares and our biggest dreams, and attempting to make it as fun, silly, and full of love as possible as we await a greater awakening that will be necessary in order to progress as a collective society. And the empire seeps into everything around us so we must cast protection spells around our sacred trans bodies to hold the holiness the state so badly wants to destroy tighter than any currency. 

I happen to be born in a generation that has at least done a little bit of reckoning with the holocaust. Most nations admit that antisemitism played a role in this genocide, but there is no direct connection to the obvious truth that the causes of atrocities are directly supported by most, if not all institutions of the state.

Before I moved to Germany my Grandfather warned me. He told me to be careful who I tell my “status.” He clearly knew that I do not pass as a regular anglo saxon especially in a country so extremely racialized and a city such as Berlin that was incredibly integrated. I thought he was trying to control me, impose some sort of patriarchal influence, but today when I told him about the 5 antisemetic and xenephobic hate crimes and attacks that have occurred against my Berlin Liberal Arts University I could see the fear in his eyes despite the 5cm thick glasses. Because I see that in my own face. 

I have talked to him about how he never learned or passed along our ancestral language, Yiddish, and his family tried to assimilate. They were always the nice Jewish neighbors, never the communists. Until now as the 150 year clock strikes and again I take my ancestry to a new country because my ideas were too big for the the Imperial American industrial system. 

Judaism teaches the necessity of being present and fully aware of the horrors humans are capable of committing against each other in order to prevent and resolve pain. Because of this most of us feel this innate desire to take action and strengthen our communities while build fertile environments, and that is all because we practice what we preach and one of the first words we learn in hebrew school is Mitzvah, meaning good deeds. In Judism you are encouraged to do at least one mitzvah a day. 

I remember being in the car as a young child and constantly helping dogs find their homes if they were lost, and hearing my mom explain she has to do her daily mitzvah. I now too return dogs to owners. And I am currently working to return a sense of safety back to the world I live in for me and anyone else who has struggled with the weight of multiple intersectionalities to the point it catonizes you. 

Yes we are living in unprecedented times as every single goddamn email says, but that is also so hopeful. It constantly baffles me that those who do not experience multi layered discrimation can not blink an eye as they silence those of us who are most targeted. Its time for the cis gays to shut up and let the Black Trans Femmes take the stage.  Revolution Now, or Never. 

I end with a story of synchronised and hope. 

After attending 2 meetings regarding antisemitism at my university, going to a doctors appointment for stress induced abdomen pain, leading a few meetings regarding the state of trans health in Berlin, helping a few friends, asking for my own help to transcribe a recording, and interviewing a fellow anarcho communist nonbinary Jew it was 9pm and I was restless. I am restless. I will forever be restless until everyone has a safe place to sleep with food in their bellies. And that is possible. We have to remember that. Speak our dreams of community care into existence because that is the only way they will manifest into existence.

I took this energy to the streets and partook in a midnight winter wheatpasting walk. My friend had confirmed that a picture of some graffiti on a building down my block was xenephobic and disgusting so I decided to fix that by installing some guerilla art. And my two hour conversation with my comrade over google meet where we shared secrets of the underground from different and so similar vantage points inspired me to do something I had been waiting to do until this moment.

I painted two posters. One said Nazis raus, a common phrase written over nazi tags or to mark that somewhere or some building is in the vicinity of an ally.  The other poster said Refugees and Migrants welcome. I rolled myself another joint and set off with my keys, pepper spray, a phone on 10 percent, black paint, super glue, and resin. 

My idea was to super glue the posters and then glue the edges and make it shiny with resin. This didnt quite work but through some improvising i was able to successfully attach both signs to the hate words. I was proud of my work and sat down to smoke until I was ready to do the resin coating. I never did the resin painting. 

First a non german man saw  me smoking under the stopp and pulled over and approached me. I was ready to reach for my pepper spray at my side but maybe it was just his building? No. He offered me his beer. He asked if I needed anything to drink. I said thank you, and no, and told him to have a good night. 

It felt so lovely. And rewarding. And then I heard the drunken teenage boy laughter. The same laughter that will forever be stained on the walls of my university. I had to communicate to the powers that be that using the words vandalism to describe an attack, and graffiti to describe a swastika drawn on the front of a dorm building is insensitive and destructive. Even if they continue (in every single email it seems) to mention that these nazis are probably drunk and stupid young teenage boys it doesnt make it less scary. 

I had to tell a woman in her 30s that calling nazis “twerps” excuses their behavior. I had to say this in 3 different ways in order for it to sink in, and I am still unsure she understood because she then told me in order to change their language I should contact the very people writing the emails. She always seems disappointed that I have, and continue to do so but for some strange reason they never respond…..

And as I heard the laughter get closer, and the mumbling of slurred german I assessed my danger and decided to do the finishing adhesive task before the resin and sat to smoke. They approached and asked how I was. As I suspected a gaggle of teenagers wearing their masks under their noses. The leader of the group asked to smoke my joint. I said no. I told them I was doing my nightly walk, just sitting and smoking, and indicated I wished to be left alone.

Then, They all simultaneously started openly fidgeting with their knives. And maybe it was the testosterone, adrenaline, or knowledge I am forcing myself into a manic state in order to get through the massive amounts of bullshit in my way but I just sat there. They were rona safe away, enough space, and I was ok with answering questions. And then they scraped the nazis raus off with their knife. And I planned my escape.

In order to properly prevent the most harm I reflected while stoned upon my knowledge of descalation techniques and was able to get them to laugh and connect with me over enjoying weed as to prevent them from hurting or assaulting me. As they went into the apartment to grab something they had another boy out front who was just watching me and waiting for them. 

He and I got to talking. He wanted to know where I was from, How long had I been here, etc. And I believe in getting to know your neighbors, and he was the youngest and best mask wearer of the group. I could tell he was first gen in Berlin as well. For some reason beyond me he pointed out which bell he is located, and told me he was a dealer, I made a joke about my hair being green, he laughed and the others again joined us.  In all honesty I was still there at this point because I wanted to stand my ground, take up space, and see what would happen, how far I could push the line, and I really just wanted to enjoy the night time moonlight.

The drunkest asked again for my joint to which I said no, and he made a point to tell me he had taken 3 negative rona tests! They wanted to know more about me and were gathered in a circle above me, and my heart rate was steadily rising.  I mentioned california which resulted in a very creative response. The quietest of the three decided at this moment to say, in english, “I like gay shit and big cocks.” To add to the ridiculousness of the situation I didn't hear what he said. I asked him to repeat himself two times until I repeated back what he said and heard myself and giggled. They then broke out into laughter and the circle surrounding me was broken so I took this time to stand up to make my departure. 

As they were so engrossed in making homophobic jokes and using bad english to say they wanted my mouth on their cocks, and asking if i want to see their big penises (lol!) with all my stuff gathered and a safe distance gained I happily shouted….aaa ich bin auch schwul, lesbich, so…. Too bad. And skipped away

Noone followed me. Only shouting. I didnt turn back once. I felt so powerful

What had started as me wanting to remove hateful language turned into a demonstration to myself of the simultaneous kindness of strangers and stupidity of nazis. The protest tacitics and  theory I had spent hours studying came in handy wherein hopefully when these boys down the line perhaps figure out they are queer, they can remember the stoner californian that sat on their poarch and radiated gender fuckery all over their stoop.

I turned back after a minute to check my surroundings and leaned into a wall. Where I saw writing that said in english “Jews Hate” someone had crossed this out and wrote no, against antisemitism, and nazis had covered this. I revamped the whole thing by writing in big letters ``protect jews” “nazis raus” I also covered multiple anti deutch pro israel tags as well as covering a sexually explicit drawing on my front door and a jewish marker.

I know that walking around my neighborhood will now feel a little safe and for all the people I invite to walk to my house at least they can for a little while feel the presence of resistance.